Rock Bottom
by loveandcontroversy
Summary: Alison is having a difficult time opening up in therapy during her stay at rehab. During one session, memories start to come back and she realizes that she'll never forget the person that changed her life forever.


**authors note: this is my first Orphan Black fic. Please leave suggestions or any commentary that you have on this piece. It'd be really helpful. Hope you enjoy! **

Alison's POV

"Alison," a feminine voice said, grabbing my attention. "It's your turn." I turned to her, taking in a big breath.

I hated being here. Rehab. I didn't need to be here. I didn't need treatment. I was perfectly fine. All I needed to focus on was leaving this hospital and getting back to my family; back to my children. Donnie had threatened to have them taken from me, but I knew better. He knew better. He couldn't leave me, even if he wanted to. He's my monitor.

Monitor. The word felt like ice on my tongue. Monitors were what you would use on a test in a lab, or an animal in a cage. Come to think of it, I was both. An experiment, born from a test tube with genes extracted from gosh knows who. My purpose being to be watched and tested for disease, kept in public for sheer entertainment.

"Alison," the woman repeated. "It's your turn." I looked up at my fellow patients and sat up straight. Even though I was surrounded by broken souls, I could still look presentable. It was sharing time. That time where everyone tells their story and why they're here. I hadn't been paying attention for most of the stories, but apparently, it was my time.

"Yes," I said brushing off my pant legs. Gosh, it was filthy in this place. The floors looked as if they hadn't been swept in months and all of the furniture could use a good dusting. "Hello. My name is Alison Hendrix and I'm here because my husband thinks-"

"No qualifiers!" a raggedy gentlemen said from the other end of the small room. We were in what I recognized as the lounge. Couches were placed strategically around a television and there was a table in the center.

"What?" I asked him. I kept my voice at a calm tone. The therapists stressed a "passive voice" when expressing emotion. It wasn't a foreign concept to me. I was already a soft spoken woman, contrary to recent events. But that wasn't my fault, was it?

"Don't give excuses to qualify being here," the man replied. "You're just as low on the totem pole as the rest of us, sweetheart." I felt my hand clench the fabric of my pant leg and I realized that I was getting angry. Calm down, I thought to myself. Don't get too worked up. I looked up and smiled at the man.

"Well, I wasn't aware of that rule," I said. "But now that I am, thank you." I looked over to the therapist. She gestured for me to continue, so I did. "My name is Alison Hendrix and I recently had an incident that caused me to injure my arm."

A couple people nodded. It seemed as if they all wanted more, based on the looks they were giving me. It almost felt like a buffet, and I was the main course. They just wanted more and more out of me. Well, I was certainly not going to let them push me into a full blown confessional. Come to think of it, I was on a disclosure agreement with the DYAD Institute. I couldn't even begin to talk about anything going on in my life without having DYAD workers at my door and quite possibly a one way ride to a rabbit cage for Dr. Leekie to put on display in front of his colleagues.

Your monitor has been lifted. I could remember Leekie's voice pushing that lie onto my dining room table, sweetening his little deal. As a courtesy. he said. Well, my monitor has certainly not been lifted. He's still there, sitting on my couch. He's still there, laying in my bed. He's still there, spying on my life.

"Alison," the therapist said, pulling me from my inner-monologue. "Care to elaborate?" I shook my head and she clicked her pen, scribbling down onto her clipboard. She was probably going to mandate more treatment time for me or something like that. I wouldn't be surprised.

For the next twenty minutes, the circle (or rectangular shape, rather) of patients vented about their lives and what had happened in their past. I shuffled in my seat a little, trying to stay comfortable on a cushion that felt more like cardboard. The leather was just dreadful. The time came again for me, and I moved to pass.

I was never the type to really open up about things. To be truthful, up until the whole DYAD thing happened, I hadn't really had anything to hide. I had the perfect life. A husband that adored me, two beautiful children, and a circle of friends that really seemed to fit the way that I wanted to live. We had parties and potlucks, all happy occasions. Everything was perfect until one day, a woman showed up at my doorstep, looking exactly like myself.

Beth. Even saying her name felt like a jab to the stomach. Elizabeth Childs was the one that really first opened my eyes about my life. Clone. I hated the word, but that was the truth.

_"Genetically identical?" I asked her. "But how can this be? I was raised by my-"_

_"Birth mother," she snapped. "I know, me too, but like how I was born, you were put into your 'mother' by doctors, correct?"_

_"Yes," I replied. "My mother had two miscarriages before me, but how does that make us identical? I don't get it."_

_"I don't know who, but we're part of an experiment that's been kept under the rug," she said. "There are more than just you and I, Alison. I've made contact with another from Germany who has met many others from around the world. I'm actually attempting to contact one from America at the moment." I was floored. This couldn't be happening. My life, all of it, was a lie. This was too much._

_"I'm sorry," I snapped at her. "But you've got to go. If my children see you-"_

_"I understand," she replied. "This is a lot to take in." She reached into her purse and pulled out a pink cell phone. By the looks of it, it was prepaid, but I wasn't sure. "These are on a separate plan completely in use for us. I've purchased one for each of us. I've already done you the favor of adding myself into yours." She handed me the phone and walked over to my door. "Call me when you're ready," she said to me, opening the door. "You don't have to go through this alone." And with that, Beth was gone and I was left with a realization that my entire life was left in ruins._

"Alison," the therapist's voice cut in. I put on a big smile and turned my focus to her. "How about you? Do you have any friends or family that you like to lean on?"

While I could've easily said Aynsely, I refrained from it. If I were to have brought up Aynsely, would have probably spent the next hour talking about her untimely demise and it's effects on my "obscene usage of medication and alcohol", as the doctor called it. Without thought, I started to say a name. My lips began to purse a little and I could feel the first two letters come from my mouth.

"Be-" I stopped right then and there. No, not here. I couldn't be that stupid. I couldn't talk about her in public. Confidentiality. Rabbit cage. Rachel Duncan. That, and just the thought of speaking her name aloud make my stomach hurt. All I could imagine was that train, running over her like she wasn't even there. I partially still hated Sarah for never protecting her. Maybe if Sarah had been more thoughtful, Beth would still be here. Maybe then-

I stopped myself.

I lowered my head and I thought back through the years.

Donnie was always there, asking questions and talking to me about the things. Now, I understood why, so there wasn't a point in saying him. Cosima and I were close at times, but ever since the whole Delphine thing, she had been backing off slowly. Hell, ever since the whole Sarah fiasco began, our whole group had slowly started to divide. But hey, that was Sarah's calling, I guess. She never knew how to just lay down and deal with things the way we did. She always had to be on the offensive. Felix said that it was because of the absence of a real parental figure. She had her foster mother, but that was about it.

Then it hit me.

"Felix," I said, a smile coming to my face at the mention of him. He was a real friend to me. He was someone that was a constant. Even when he left with Sarah for that couple days, he came back to be there for my opening night. He was there on my first day of rehab. He actually came a few days ago with a tray of brownies that he swore he didn't buy from the store. But he knew better. I could smell the supermarket chocolate icing from a good kilometer away, but I loved it anyway. It was the thought that counted.

"And who is he to you," she asked. "Family, friend, coworker?"

"He's my acting coach," I said. "and my best friend." I could see a few smiles forming in the rectangular group of patients. I guess that's the little slice of humble pie that they needed to move on from me.

"Good," she said. "I think we all agree that it's good to have steady friendships in our lives." Everyone nodded and I smiled.

_Beth and I met at the corner of my street. Donnie was babysitting the kids, so I had the night to myself. I had called Beth and she sounded a little worried on the phone. She said that she wanted to meet with me as soon as possible. I agreed and here we were. I got into her car and she gave me a paper bag._

_"Don't open this until we get to our destination." she said. She had bags under her eyes and hair was a bit frizzed._

_"Are you alright?" I asked. Beth and I had only met one other time between our first meeting and now, so I wasn't really sure how to comfortably ask if something was afoot._

_"Just peachy." she said in a dry tone. We drove for about ten more minutes before we reached an open plot of land. It was kind of flat with no sign of anyone living nearby. What was going on?_

_I opened the bag and jumped. There, laying inside of the bag was a gun, black and bold. I got out of the car and dropped it onto the ground. Beth had told me that she was a police officer, but this was too much. I had never even seen a firearm in my life before now._

_"Watch it, Alison," she said. "I went through a lot to get that for you, so be grateful." I picked the bag off of the ground and walked over to her. She took the bag from me and pulled the gun out._

_"Why did you get me a gun?" I asked, a little scared._

_"Look, I don't want to alarm you," I said. "But Katja, the German that I told you about, said something about the clones out there getting attacked. I just thought that you'd maybe want a little-"_

_"What do you mean attacked? " I asked, gravely concerned. If I was in danger I wanted to know._

_"I don't know much about it at the moment," she replied. "But Katja seems to think that that's what's going on."_

_"The ones who got attacked," I said. "Are they okay?" Beth looked down at her feet and then around the general area. Something wasn't right. Something happened to these girls._

_"They're dead, Ali," she said. "All of them. The attacks were fatal." I took a few steps back and leaned on the car. Dead. All of them. Someone was actually killing off clones._

_"Who does she think is behind it?" I asked her. Beth pulls out her pink phone and clicks a few buttons._

_"Do you remember that American that I was telling you about? Cosima?" I nodded, and she continued. "Well, she's a scientist at a college in Minnesota and she believes that it might be the people that created us, whomever they are." I looked at my hands and clenched my fists. I was in danger. My family was in danger. And there was nothing that I could do about it._

_"So, you got that gun for me to protect myself from whoever is attacking us?" Beth nodded and put the gun in my hand._

_"I'm going to teach you how to shoot, though," she said, cracking a little smile. "Otherwise, you'd probably end up shooting yourself in the leg." We both laughed and she showed me how to point and aim. Surprisingly, it wasn't too hard. I picked up on it pretty easy and successfully fired my first shot. Beth's face was lit up. I hadn't really noticed how nice her eyes were. They were different than mine, slightly brighter. They had this sort of shimmer that really captured her personality quite well._

_She walked back to the car and told me to stay put. I watched as she took a big bag of items from the back seat and put them in a row on the tops of fence posts. I took aim and fired a little too quickly, so it missed. I went to go for a second time, but Beth grabbed my arm._

_"Hey, trigger," she said to me. "Let me help you out with that." She put her arms around me and walked me through my aiming process. She put her hands over mine and guided me through aiming at a stuffed animal on a fence post. Her cheek was touching mine as I pulled the trigger. With a bang, the stuffed animal was down for the count and I was successful. I giggled and turned around to face Beth, who was clapping a few inches back._

_"I did it!" I said, so pleased with myself. I was still kind of scared of the gun, but I had overcome it for just a few moments, thanks to her._

_"Yeah," she joked. "You shot a teddy bear. You're such a hard-ass." She started laughing and so did I. I gave her a soft nudge and she pushed me back. I dropped the gun and threw my arms around her. She returned the embrace and when we started to pull apart, I suddenly didn't want to. We looked at each other, face to face before I felt Beth's lips brush against mine. Everything inside of me pushed me to kiss her back, but I just couldn't. I had a husband. I had my children. I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. And I did._

_She pulled away first and immediately started apologizing. I stopped her and walked back to the car. I just had to get home. I just had to get this out of my mind. From what I knew, Beth had a boyfriend. His name was Paul or something like that. I could tell from how she never really spoke of him that there was some trouble between them, but that didn't mean that she was interested in me. It was just a heat of the moment thing, wasn't it?_

"That's it for today, guys." the therapist said. "Tomorrow, same time." I stood up fr my chair and walked back to my room. I didn't like to socialize with the other patients. I wasn't like them. I didn't do drugs, and I wasn't a complete drunkard. These people were ill. I was just caught up in a really complicated situation. Stress is a weapon, and gosh was that thing firing at me.

I walked into my room and shut the door behind me. It was easy to just pace over to my suitcase of clothes and pick out my pajamas. I slipped them on and laid into bed. I stared up at the ceiling and all I could think about was how lucky I really was. My sisters, my other clones, were all in less of ideal situations than I.

Sarah was gosh knows where doing gosh knows what to try and get Kira far away from the DYAD. She had had her entire life turned upside down and now her family was being targeted, as well. I never felt that pain. The DYAD had no interest in my children because they weren't mine biologically. I couldn't even imagine how Sarah must've been feeling.

Cosima's the one that I really felt for, though. She was working inside of the DYAD now, forced to confront all of the things that went on in our identical bodies. I couldn't imagine having to see Dr. Leekie and Rachel all of the time. Not to mention Delphine. She was working with her monitor openly, with no secrets. That had to be hard to deal with.

I hadn't spoken to Beth in three weeks. She called and called, but I just couldn't answer. Cosima kept asking me why, but I just couldn't tell her the truth. I mean, what was I to say? "I'm sorry, Cosima. Beth kissed me and now I can't talk to her because I know that I feel a way about her that I don't understand." Yeah, because that was completely bulletproof.

Cosima was doing all of the deals with Beth now. Everything having to do with Katja or any of the Europeans went through Cosima. My responsibilities were to my home and my family. That's where I needed to focus my energy.

_It was soccer day and I drove my son, Oscar, to his match. I was the head mother, so I made the little orange slices for the kids to have after the match. It was quite the fun thing to do. The kids loved it._

_I walked into the shed to cut up the oranges. I was shocked to be greeted my a punk-rock clone. I backed up and questioned her. Who was he? Where was Beth in all of this?_

_"Where's Beth?" I asked her. The girl took second to reply, but when she did, it was the last thing I expected._

_"I'm sorry," she replied. "But she killed herself." My heart broke. Right there, in that moment. I grabbed the knife that I was using to cut oranges to have something to clench. It wasn't the best thing to use, but it worked._

_"No," I said. "Beth wouldn't do that." She couldn't have. She wouldn't have. It wasn't because of me, was it? Because of the kiss? This girl, Sarah, started asking questions about who we were to each other. No, no. That was not my job._

_"That is not my responsibility." I said, shooing her away. I left out of the shed with the orange slices and I watched as she walked the other way, careful not to be seen by anyone. She was trouble, I could smell it._

_I called Cosima as soon as I got home. I went down to my basement and patiently waited for her to pick up. She had to know where Beth is. Beth wasn't dead. She didn't die. Beth wouldn't kill herself. She would call one of us. She would come to one of us. She wouldn't kill herself._

_"Where is Beth?" I said, trying to be calm._

_"I don't know," she replied. "I talked to someone who I thought was Beth yesterday, but she turned out to be some British chick."_

_"Yeah, I know that one," I snapped. "She paid me a visit today." I heard a gasp over the other line._

_"Oh shit," she said. "What happened?"_

_"Never mind that," I spat. "Where is Beth?"_

_"Alison-"_

_"Where is she?" I started to get louder._

_"Listen, Al-"_

_"WHERE IS BETH?!" I screamed, reaching a level I didn't even think I had. I hung up the phone and threw it onto the opposite chair. I slumped down onto my carpeted floor and sobbed to myself. She wasn't gone. She couldn't be gone._

"Beth," I said out loud, talking to the darkness. "I didn't mean to completely brush you off. I didn't want to just leave you like that." I felt a tear come down my cheek. "It was all just so confusing, you know? You had Paul and I had Donnie. It was hard for me to handle along with everything else. We had the world against us, Beth." Tears were coming harder. "They all wanted to take us out but we wouldn't let them. You wouldn't let them. You'd fight for us. You'd fight for me."

I crawled out of the bed and inched to the bathroom. I flicked on the light and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't just see me. I saw them all. I saw so many different versions of my face, but most importantly, I saw Beth. I saw her staring back at me, that glimmer in her eye that I bet was still there even in death.

I started crying worse and worse until finally, I just collapsed onto the bathroom floor. I felt the contents of my stomach empty out onto the tile and every inch of my body cringe at the thought of Beth seeing me like this. Defeated and broken.

"They got to me, Beth," I said, looking at the reflection in the toilet. I could still see every detail of my face, of her face. "Please come back. Come back. Come back." I kept repeating myself over and over again, hoping that maybe the repetition, if used enough, would make it come true.

"Come back to me, Beth," I screamed. I heard the door slam open and two nurses run in. They started checking my pulse. Kill me! I wanted to scream at them. They wouldn't listen anyway.

I looked up at the ceiling and let myself go. I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was my fault. It was my fault. She died because of me. I knew that it wouldn't help anything, or make up for what I did, but I looked up at the ceiling, hoping that she was listening up their in God's heavenly land, and told her what I'd felt ever since she first kissed me.

"I love you, Beth."


End file.
